Any point starting up a relationship with someone when in 3 months time they are going away for a year? ...and they might be the love of you life?

shalalalalalalalala · 2012-05-26T14:30:50.365897+00:00

well, most people are going to advise you not to, and I generally agree. That said: in October 1989, I started dating a guy who was leaving for LA in 6 weeks (we lived in DC.) I figured, hey, if it didn't work out, it was easy enough to blame it on the distance. I moved there a year later (although I did see him for a weekend here and there in the interim.) That was 23ish years ago.

People have asked us to distill how it worked, and I think it boils down to two things that really created a foundation for the rest of our relationship. First, it was pre-Internet, so we had 2 choices, phone and letters. We talked almost daily, even if just a checkin (back, too, when it was landlines and long-distance bills.) I think it was this reliance on the phone, with the added pressure of knowing every minute "counted," that helped us really listen to each other and learn what was being said. You don't get the cues from body language, or the ability to storm off dramatically. When we were together, that was it-- no seeing each other until the next time. So basically, you learn to cut the crap and talk to each other, be with each other, for real. I'm not sure how to translate that into now, with mobile phones, skype, email, texting, whatever. (It seems charmingly archaic as I write it.) But the way you establish communication early on is critical, regardless of how long you are together.

The other thing was, of course, was that we were, and are, pretty typical of our fellow GenXers, but maybe "non-normative" people in a broader context. We kinda went with the flow and did what we did. Not having any idea how a LDR should work, or how things were supposed to be, probably helped-- we just made it up as we went along. So my advice there: decide how flexible you are in terms of your relationship; are you "allowed" to be friends if the experiment doesn't work? Who has to be where, when, doing what, with whom? You might find you have ideas on all of these things that never would have come up without the distance.

mooningduck · 1 day

You did exactly the right thing (even if pretty late) by dropping in here for some advice-- this a a great community with good ideas. It sounds like you are overwhelmed, so perhaps a roadmap (that you can adapt) would be helpful. I'll start, but everyone will probably chime in (and you should, too!)

First, it will help to get super-clinical about the 10 days you have and how to use them. Get into problem-solving mode. It will help give you focus, and keep you away from blame, should-haves and all that. You have 10 days to fix this. Keep saying that, to yourself and others. The money is a different issue-- you have to graduate, and with grades enough to get/stay in the college you want.

Today, Friday: 1) Based on what you said, the mom is out of town starting tonight, and grandma is coming. Try to catch the mom when you arrive at 2, if not before. Tell her everything you said here, and tell her you need to be able to work this weekend. Be specific, but be clear and unemotional (you need to keep your head and you will show her you are firm about what needs to happen, but open to working with her to get through the long weekend.) You are establishing that you are in problem-solving mode, and that you need her to be in it, too. It may be hard, nannying crosses a lot of traditional work-relationship boundaries.

Is she going away for a mini-vacation, rather than work? If so, ask her to take the kids or cancel. (She will freak, but remain calm, and in problem-solving mode. Acknowledge you are giving her very short notice, but don't cave- you need this weekend to get back on track.) If she can't cancel, that is okay-- she needs to call in her friends, other family, etc. Backpackwayne is totally right: be straightforward. You can contribute ideas on how she can solve it, or not-- you choose. (There are options on how you decide what to do if she won't dialogue with you, but we can deal with those later. Worst case, tell her you cannot help her, that she has her mother there, and leave.)

2) You need to figure out how many hours you need to accomplish each of these tasks-- your paper for English, and your paper for Econ. (That's it, right?) You have 4 days, with the Monday holiday. Honestly, that is plenty of time. You're smart, and driven. You got into all those AP classes, so you know how to put your head around something and get it done. Once you have a sense of how much time you need, take a deep breath, set yourself some milestones (like, by Saturday night at 10 I will have a working draft of paper X) and then get to work.

2a) If you want, share those milestones here, and I bet people will make themselves available to proof your work, etc. You need As on these, so they've got to be great.

3) Tuesday, go in and see each of your teachers, face to face. You'll hand in your English paper, and your Econ, with an adult explanation (not excuse.) Tell your teachers what has happened, and that you know you have 10 days to fix it with their support. Ask for makeup work, etc. Show you mean it. For Art History and EnvStudies, ask what you can do to rectify your grade. Be sure to tell your teachers about your overall performance, and tell them you are going to go home and think about the best way to prioritize -- what I am saying is, don't commit to all 4 of those teachers to extra credit right away, in case you cannot deliver. You need Tuesday afternoon to think about it.

4) Check it out! It's Tuesday night! You have turned in your papers, spoken with your teachers and either gained their support, or not. You know what you have to do with the next 6 days.

(I'm a little confused about your graduation date-- where does that fit in?)

Themehmeh · 1 day

Here is another way to look at it: This was a great lesson. Start again. But take a new tack on it.

Contact the owner of the vacant lots, and let him know that you understand that it's his right to have the land sit fallow, but that you would like to grow on his land. Outline the value to yourself and to him and the community writ large. (The folks over at GuerrillaGardening may have some ideas on how to sell this.) If you get really nuts, you could even offer to share your abundance with him and the other folks on your street. It's really up to you how far to take it. But it puts you both on better footing if you aren't feeling stressed about your garden (and chickens.)

Then set up the low fences that met1 suggested, to demark things for the work crews. They probably would appreciate the guideposts (and the less-work.)

vanhootan · 1 day

I've planted lemon mint, lemongrass, lavender, bergamot, and a raft of basils, including Tulsi (Holy Basil.) I think this list is pretty helpful.

Schpsych · 1 day

Exactly. Ours was 10 weeks early, just didn't feel like waiting. The doctor did mention that he'd have trouble getting an apartment, as he had trashed his room on the way out.

It was the first and only time I've ever heard a placenta joke.

Throwaway67841 · 3 days

"Is it legal" will be answered in your contract. You might look for words like "work for hire" that help you understand the terms to which you both agreed.

Many people think that if you keep your layers/working files and just give flattened files, the organization will come back to you for changes. I can guarantee that if you balked at giving me the working files after I asked, or (worse) pretended to give me "everything" and then only gave me part of the project, I would be sure to not come back to you and definitely mention this when someone calls for a reference. Is that really a gamble you want to take when you are freelancing?

ozyman · 5 days

okay-- I'm in. For no. 9: Can you recommend a Con that a 10-year-old can go to?

cyberdoodle · 9 days

True. AIGA is your best comprehensive resource, and all the things you don't want to debate inform the actual reality of salaries.

And not only regional considerations, but non-profs vs corporate inhouse vs agencies are all in the mix. Don't discount the range of experience/portfolio boost you might get from one of those segments when you evaluate salaries.

heretek · 9 days

Fabulous news! Be sure to come back as you get to the 3rd trimester-- many of us have had preemies, and you can count on our support if you need it there, too! Here's hoping to a full and healthy pregnancy.

chalkandcheese · 10 days

this, exactly. For a variety of reasons, we expect everything created for us during an engagement to be delivered at specific milestones, and our contracts explicitly state (to Woozle's point above) that we "own" everything, down to the unflattened, layered art, working (and commented) source code/files, etc. We do a lot of interactive work-- but we ask for the same for print.

As a matter of practice, though, we also direct-license & pay for all the fonts, getty/corbis/etc stock and so on, so that our organization holds all the correct licenses from the get-go. Some of our agencies are annoyed with the extra step, but it saves time on the closing-end of a project-- and ensures we have exactly the terms we need.

I agree with Universl, in that it matters how you handle it --in both the contracting and project phases. If you refuse or make this a hassle, even if the contract doesn't require it, I would not go back.

jacktors · 12 days

Deep Throat Room (child not present at time of filming nor included with purchase of home)

In case you were wondering about the kid in the pic

gravitron · 14 days

They are a contemporary dance group called Project Bandaloop. Originally they were supposed to dance on the Kennedy Center itself, but the Post Office was a great choice.

Ranjoesta · 16 days

hang on, you work in a school, you are part of the support staff and you interact with the students. You might think you just have a responsibility to keep the network up, but you are part of the fabric of that school.

Do you really absolve yourself of being part of their education? You get a walk on whether to take the teachable moment you had in your hands because you are not a "professional educator"? I cannot fathom how you can have those faces on your wall, and say you are not going to Step Up when you have the chance.

Catieg123 · 17 days

I just spent a week with youth (16-23) from all over the country, of (nearly) every demographic, who came together to talk (and share their art) about issues like war, poverty, personal truth, social responsibility. They are, amazingly, just fine.

Sure-- many teenagers are complete dipshits, just as when I was in high school, and maybe when you were. The ones who are meant to change things, will. It took us GenXers a while, even when you consider that we had a good head start.

TooOldToBeHere · 17 days

This interview aired on All Things Considered tonight, and is well worth the listen. The ending is heart-stopping; there is a beautiful moment of silence before Melissa Block says her thank you to Gregory Maguire that holds what I think many of us feel.

falllingoutt · 19 days

your moonflowers will be fine-- I am in 7a and will plant my moonflowers mid-May, as I like them to smell-up the late summer nights.

ConstableOdo · 19 days

oh, our hoarders. I feel ya-- my mom's stuff is all moldy. So sad.

ConstableOdo · 19 days

yeah, I recommend keeping it vague-- you don't want her to end up trying to contact the "group" or, god forbid, get a tax donation receipt. I usually just say, oh, they are just starting out and haven't finished their non-profit paperwork, or that they are just loose volunteers. (And in fact, this is often true!)

And one other thing-- if her stuff really is usable, there are plenty of groups who could use it, and regular people, too. There are sites like Freecycle and TrashNothing...it's more effort, but you might be able to actually redirect some of the stuff in a way that helps others and makes you feel better about it, too.

ConstableOdo · 19 days

Just to reiterate, as much as I wish, I can't just throw it away.

Something that has worked with my mom is rather than throw it away, we negotiate a way give it away...so, those plates go to my (phantom) coworker who really needs then, or the toys go to a friend who works at the local homeless shelter or etc. Sometimes, they actually go to these places, and sometimes they get dropped in the dumpster. It really depends on whether she has saved something useful, or it's really garbage.

Basically, I play off a combination of validating that the thing has value, and working her need to do good--"Mom you are awesome for saving these 4 TVs, I was just talking to someone at work the other day who works with [insert vague but untraceable group here] who could use them. I'll drop them after work tomorrow!"

Good luck-- it's exhausting, and more-so when you live with them.

quible · 21 days

any particular kind of iris (bearded or siberian), or color? Mine are blooming now so when it's time to divide, I'd be happy to trade. (I'll also try to grab some pics!)

bekbekbekaw · 25 days

our NICU nurses put eyelashes on the mask covering our kiddo's eyes, then let us change his name tag to George Hamilton, since he was so orange and just laid around light-bathing all day.

napoleondance · 26 days

oh, duh...thanks!

napoleondance · 26 days

wait-- really? Could you elaborate about suicide as self-defense?

michaeltruhl · 27 days

from what building was this taken?

1RAOKADAY · 28 days

I have not had much coffee yet, so may have missed it in the Boyarin link, but could you elaborate on the idea of 'Judaism as a species of Hellenism'?

punkinpie

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