I am so sick of this!What can I do differently?

OKCupidsiren · 3 months

SamsIphone · 3 months

Personally I would be very put off by how intense you make yourself out to be in your messages. As information filled your messages are they almost sound like an automated response.

crazy_dance · 3 months

Honestly, OKCupid is a numbers game, just like meeting people in real life. It takes a lot of people a while to find another person it pans out with. Some people (myself included) get lucky and meet a great person almost immediately.

I felt like a lot of the guys I talked to on OKCupid were really lazy about the whole thing. They seemed to want a gorgeous woman to just fall into their lap. Most didn't read my profile, didn't have much information on theirs, and were way too sexually flirtatious right off the bat. Those guys aren't looking to get to know you, even if they claim they are. Because you're giving them the chance to get to know you and they aren't taking it. Spend your time messaging as many people as possible instead of focusing on one person at a time.

jwt155 · 3 months

Well, despite all the bullshit people tell you about inner beauty and that it's personality that matters, in the short run that's complete crap. Sure, after dating someone for a while or what not you appreciate a person more for who they are then looks BUT physical attraction is always the first step in a relationship. If I'm not physically attracted to someone, I don't pursue them.

Atwitsendthrowaway · 3 months

Throwing this out there: If you get enough votes for being attractive, you actually get to be part of a "special filter" for attractive people.

Not even shitting you. OKCupid is such a hit or miss, I've met some quality people on there, and some real shitbags.

mandano · 3 months

It's not because you're fat, it's just the downsides of Internet dating. There are a lot of boring people in the world. Plus people on OkC rarely respond because on profiles there is too much to be picky about. Try plenty of fish, but the guys may not be of better quality

Bookmaus · 3 months

I would suggest that you get a Google Voice account and talk to some of these men on the phone. If the phone date goes alright, actually get out and meet some of them. Sure, they haven't really impressed you online, but messaging/IMing format isn't everyone's forte. Your chemistry offline might be a lot better than your chemistry online.

Also, could you explain why the coffee dates you ask for don't "pan out"? It sounds like you keep taking the first step in online dating but are having trouble taking the next few that'll lead to a relationship (and, yes, probably some very bad dates).

MrShlee · 3 months

You're judging people over the internet, based entirely over the placement of words, phases, grammar, and tone over a textbox.

You need to meet people, face to face or you've already lost.

elai · 3 months

Trust me girl, the guys feel the same way. Probably more since the girls are more there for an ego boost than for dating. I maybe get a %10-5 response rate? I have a few back and forth 3 paragraph messages, then I give them my number and say we should hang out and boom, no more responses. Or girls saying to my first message 'at least you had a date, I haven't gotten anywhere', I reply, no more responses. The only people that seem to get anywhere are the girls that say "oh i'm new to okcupid" and use it how it supposed to be used.

For a lot of people, dating feels like this: http://imgur.com/xUmcc

Also for a lot of people, Ok Cupid is a really casual thing they check occasionally. I send a message 1-2 weeks ago and then I get replies out of the blue. I then send a reply and they might reply days later. It can be annoying.

MileageAddict · 3 months

I agree with crazy_dance. It's a numbers game and sometimes you strike out, sometimes you hit the Powerball jackpot. I met and dated a handful of women from OKC that ranged from "meh, no chemistry" to "nice but insane" to "attractive but vapid". Eventually I met the woman I have been dating exclusively for the past 18 months.

Be patient, have fun with OKC. When I was on OKC, I greatly appreciated receiving a message from a woman first. If you find a profile where you sense the guy put a lot of thought into it and he expresses the humor and personality you like, reach out!

DarkRider23 · 3 months

You're expecting way too much from a few messages on an online dating site. If you want to get some serious talk, you have to talk to them face to face. Most people don't like sitting on their computer typing about themselves.

LePetitChou · 3 months

I know I'm going to get some downvotes for saying this, but here it goes. In reference to your statement:

The men I meet in 'real life' only want sex.

A romantic relationship starts with sex. From one of your comments, you say you're in you late 20's-early 30's. I'm a 26 year old woman who values the platonic company of men, but I'm not going to even begin thinking about a committed romantic relationship unless Ive slept with him first. I suspect many men our age feel the same way.

I'm not sure whether you meant that these men want no relationship with you outside of sex, or if they seem preoccupied with getting sex, or if they wont immediately commit to a relationship. I understand that, as a mother, your needs extend to creating a safe environment for your children, and not simply having fun. However, if you don't embrace sex, the partnership may not get of the ground.

Additional comment: BOY. Guess the relationship advice sub-reddit is a bit more conservative than I had thought. Guess I should pack up my slutty bag and go home. Have fun, guys.

woundmatrix · 3 months

A few things to keep in mind. Internet dating isn't that much different than 'real' dating. Getting to know someone shouldn't feel like a job interview or an interrogation, regardless of whether 'getting to know you' occurs face-to-face or via email. You need to be able to go with the flow. If you are getting short, one or two sentence messages, don't respond with 6 paragraphs detailing all the charities you support (think of it as a conversation, you need to keep things balanced). Email/text/IM can be a bit impersonal and make it difficult to have a conversation develop naturally (again, you want to avoid the whole job interview type feel).

Along this line, a short response via email doesn't necessarily mean someone isn't interested (or is boring and doesn't have anything to say). If you ask me what my hobbies are, I'm not going to come up with some giant long list, I'm going to tell you one or two things, basically fishing to see if we have any shared interests. If I say I enjoy hiking, and you respond "me too! I was just hiking in XYZ, have you ever been?' all of a sudden we have a shared interest that helps break the ice and gives us a topic that we can use to more naturally find out more about each other. Also, I know I'm not alone in the fact I always have a lot of trouble filling out the "about me" part of a profile, I hated writing the personal statement for college, and I dread a job interviewer asking 'so tell me about yourself'...it just feels so unnatural talking about myself so directly. I want to talk about myself in some context not "tell me about yourself."

Also, I would be totally put-off by someone telling me 'I'm looking to date and meet new people, with the end-goal being a real relationship.' Again, this isn't a job interview, no need for a formal 'objective' for your internet dating. That comes off as very rigid and a bit too intense. Think about it this way, if you're on an internet dating site I'm just going to assume you are looking to meet new people and go on dates, and if things work out, maybe start a relationship with someone, because that's kind of what you do on internet dating sites. And while I understand you may not be looking for a one-night stand and are trying to screen for that, such statements are likely to turn-off more guys than just the intended targets (it's not that hard to figure out if someone is only contacting you for a hookup). Seriously, wait to talk about your expectations until you've actually been on a date or two with the person.

Also, it takes some time and practice to figure out how to effectively communicate and screen potential dates (and even when you become comfortable and good at it, others might still be brand new). I completely failed at it initially...at some point I got a lot more comfortable and had several great relationships start via the internet.

tl;dr: You gotta relax and stop treating internet dating like a job interview. Like anything, it takes time and practice to get comfortable and good at it.

gamerno4 · 3 months

There are billions of people in the world, and if you want to find the right one, you'll have to sog through a lot of boring conversations with men who you don't connect with. It doesn't mean anything except that you don't like every man you meet. Good thing.

thbt101 · 3 months

That sounds pretty typical of most okcupid interactions from my experience and other people I've talked to. It takes a lot of effort to actually achieve a real life meeting... a lot of messages that go unanswered or conversations that fade away, one or both people lose interest or get distracted after a few messages, etc. It takes a lot of persistence and failed attempts.

It's because browsing and the initial flirting on okc is easy and takes no effort, but the closer it gets to the possibility of dealing with the everything that's involved in actually meeting someone in real life, the casual okc window-shoppers just lose interest. I've done the same thing myself many times.

Basically is just takes a lot of patience and persistence. And don't be too quick to discard guys who don't seem especially interesting over email. So if you want to make it work, keep at it. It just takes time.

soitgoes159 · 3 months

Same thing happens to me when I message a cute girl. According to their profile, we have so much in common. Same beliefs, views, opinions. And I message her saying the usual, "Hey, I'm so-and-so. We seem to have a lot in common. I'd like to get to know you better." Then they don't message me back. I'm not unattractive, or at least, I don't think I am. I think the problem is that all the really attractive people don't take the site seriously or aren't actually interested in going out of their way to actually meet someone. And they know they can do well by just meeting ppl outside of internet dating sites.

shizzy0 · 3 months

Try using a paid site. OKCupid contains tons of people. It's free, so just because there's a profile doesn't mean they're looking for a date. With a paid site, the barrier to entry is higher, and often times people are actually trying to find a date before their month is up.

pagirl · 3 months

This might sound crazy, but when I did online dating, I'd be turned Off by too many questions or discussions of expect ions of a relationship. I think everyone would pursue a relationship of they met the right person. If they mention it in their profile, they might be desperate. That's not fair, but it might be what people are thinking. Btw...get in shape for the fun of it, for the endorphins, for yourself. When you get thin for other people it feels like a hallow victory.

andrewdown · 3 months

A lot of guys are going to see 'overweight single mum' and only see you as a short term option; when you show them the relationship card that early, they are going to lose interest. I'd recommend focusing on making your early interactions more fun and less informational. Chances are you are going to have a lot of no starters, so you might as well have some fun with it.

meanttolive · 3 months

you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone else. the fact that you love yourself for who you are and how you look is awesome, especially considering the fact that most women usually feel like their worth goes down when their pant size goes up. that being said, the inherent issue with online dating, is that you can "shop" for a partner. so, people are usually "comparing two different products": "hmm, girl A is really hot, but she's a smoker. girl B is a little big for my taste, but she loves skiing too! maybe if i keep looking, i'll find someone who is the 100% perfect match for me."

my advice is to stay in the dating pool both on- and offline. there are quality guys in real life and online. you'll find one.

also, what age group seems to be messaging you/are you messaging? guys want different things in different points in their lives, so be aware of that. good luck!

cujo3017 · 3 months

People on dating sites are a lot like real life in that most of the single guys in real life aren't dreamboats either and they're not going to fall all over you just because you're nice to them. Unless you're the proverbial "Hot Girl" in which you get hundreds of replies and doesn't bother to answer 99.9% of them.

You have to sift through a lot of garbage to find a gem. It's not a smörgåsbord of great guys just sitting there waiting for you to come along and pick one out. You have to give it time. Nice men are out there though it just sometimes takes a while to narrow your search.

In the meantime, go out and live and look at OKCupid as something you keep on the back burner, not the focus of your efforts. (I was online about a year before I met my current spouse.)

As for the weight thing, it's a fact that it's not your strong point but it's also not what defines you. Besides, some people prefer "a little extra". But you have to get fit and exercise; nobody likes a blob that can't move. It's just not sexy.

libbykino · 3 months

TBH it may have absolutely nothing to do with your weight (or less that you think). Personally, I know plenty of overweight girls that are better-looking than I am.

Honestly, if I were a male seeking someone for a relationship, the fact that you already have a child/children would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be interested in being a father to someone else's kids, and if I wanted kids of my own, the woman I'm looking at would be less likely to want the same if she already had some.

Just in case you didn't have enough insecurities already.... sorry. Just trying to give you some honest feedback.

jaskmackey · 3 months

If the guy's first message doesn't interest you, don't write him back. Wait for someone who puts a little effort into contacting you.

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