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[–]Echospree 13 points14 points ago

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6 years is a fairly long relationship. Perhaps she simply realized that you aren't necessarily the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and that 6 years was long enough for a relationship with the same person if it wasn't going to come into a lifelong relationship.

What are the ages we're talking about, by the way?

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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Believe it or not, over the course of 6 years people tend to change/grow, and just because someone is a female doesn't mean they're not allowed to do this. I'm guessing she either got bored, or realized you weren't really what she wanted in a long term partner. Breaking up sucks, but you can't expect someone to sacrifice their happiness and life's expectations for your own.

[–]LincolnHat 10 points11 points ago

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i am just trying to understand why females just cant stay content.

WTF?

[–]skagvark 3 points4 points ago

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Agree. Got some clues about the reasons right there

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago*

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there's more to life then just being content. maybe she wanted more than contentment in her relationship.

i broke up with my fiancee (i am a lesbian, so we were both girls...but i think this advice still applies) about eight months ago because i wasn't happy. we were best friends, i had a lot of fun with her, but she wasn't who i wanted to spend my life with. it was really difficult and she spent a lot of time questioning what she did wrong. she didn't do anything wrong, though--people change. i loved her but i wasn't in love with her anymore. we decided to not talk for about two months and then try being friends, and it worked out well. we're good buddies now. the time apart was good because it gave her time to get over her insecurities about what she did wrong without calling me every day to cry. it also helped me get over my guilt about feeling like i ruined my best friend's life.

[–]transitionality -3 points-2 points ago

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i loved her but i wasn't in love with her anymore

"I cheated on her and it was hot."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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i was cheated on once and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. i would never cheat :(

[–]jotok 0 points1 point ago

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Please do not feed the troll...

[–]Saydrah 2 points3 points ago

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You mean to say, "My girlfriend and I just broke up."

</grammar nazi>

In any case, what does her failure to stay content in your long term relationship have to do with her gender? Many women ask the same thing about men.

The fact of the matter is, most relationships will end. Frequently the reason is that they have stagnated over time. This isn't necessarily the fault of one or both individuals in the relationship. It just happens. Your brain is programmed to give you a big reward chemically for new, passionate love and a smaller reward for ongoing, companionate love. Many relationships end at the 4-6 year mark because the chemical high of a new romance stops happening.

Relationships that last past this point are the exception, not the norm. They require extraordinary maturity, a dual commitment to keeping things fresh and experiencing frequent renewals of the passionate love that started the relationship, and a willingness to accept and embrace the fact that your relationship will not return to the way you were when you first got together.

Thank your lucky stars that you got broken up with before you proposed. Cry, complain, throw pillows at the wall, and move on. Take the lessons of this relationship and bring them with you when you enter your next long term relationship.

[–]jotok 0 points1 point ago

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All true, however, I have observed that people will end a relationship that is "boring" and then instantly settle into a groove with the next person.

I think that when you're in a long relationship, all the negative issues just get hung on you as a person, so the next relationship could be a clone of the first and be "perfect" only because it's with someone else. That or people are just terrible at articulating anything when it comes to love.

[–]jfpbookworm 2 points3 points ago

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Thoughts:

She's not required to give you a reason; relationships are "at will." (They're also "no fault," so she doesn't have to point to anything you did.) Maybe it'd be nice to, but perhaps she has difficulty articulating why she's not happy in the relationship, or she fears that'd be interpreted making the breakup open to negotiation.

I don't see this as particularly gendered, but have to wonder: is "stay content" (if I'm interpreting that right) your minimum too? That is, do you think you're obligated to stay in a relationship that's doesn't do much for you? (Personally, I think that you both are better off finding partners who aren't just "content" with you.)

[–]jotok -1 points0 points ago

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I agree in general but while it is not "required" to provide people with explanations, not doing so is such an immense dick move that there ought to be a penalty for it.

Two years ago I got a job offer overseas and my girlfriend, with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, was initially going to go with me. She backed out at the very last minute, and then said "Well I will come be with you when I settle some things here."

At the time I believed her; she had just had a business that went bankrupt, had only recently completed a divorce, and had a house to refurbish and sell.

Over the next year she became more and more distance and eventually just stopped communicating at all. This is shitty. You cannot point to any principle about this being "at will" and "no fault" and dispute the fact that it is shitty.

On top of that she refuses to help me end my financial obligations in which we are entangled, so I still can't get completely "free." This is monumentally shitty.

Of course, being the male, if I go insist on my own rights, at a minimum, then I'm the asshole.

So, yeah, you are 100% correct in what you said above, but I don't care.

[–]jfpbookworm 0 points1 point ago

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not doing so is such an immense dick move that there ought to be a penalty for it.

What kind of penalty, though? Declaring the breakup null and void, as much as the recently broken-up-with might prefer that, isn't really viable. Getting courts involved would create far more problems than it solves. Really, all there is is social disdain, and that's already there.

The problem with obliging people to justify a break-up is that people do take any provided reason as a statement that "if I meet this objection, then they won't break up with me," or even worse, "if I don't think this objection is legitimate, then I can veto the break-up."

[–]jotok 0 points1 point ago

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I dunno, they should be allowed to go through with a breakup because that's just reasonable. You don't have to provide a reason.

However it would be awesome if every woman I met was required to wear a t-shirt that says "I break up with people for no good goddamned reason to our first date.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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I think age does matter here. If you got together at 16 and you are now 22, maybe you've grown apart.

If you got together at 28 and she's now 34, maybe you blew it. She waited a long time for a proposal that never came?

Maybe she just realized that you are not the person she wants to be with forever, and that bereaking up now before you are engaged is the best thing to do. Maybe she got 'comfortable' and you've both been choosing familiarity over love. Breaking things off when nothing is really wrong can seem weird. But maybe nothing was really right, either.

Hard to know if she won't tell you.

[–]jfpbookworm 3 points4 points ago

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If you got together at 28 and she's now 34, maybe you blew it. She waited a long time for a proposal that never came?

It's possible to grow apart even later in life, too.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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She cheated on you.

[–]Echospree 12 points13 points ago

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Seems like a overly quick assumption to make.

[–]transitionality -3 points-2 points ago

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No, he's right. When they can't or won't give reasons, it's because the reason would make them look like whores, which they are.

[–]Echospree 1 point2 points ago

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What a wonderfully inaccurate generalization. My god, your insight into the feminine mind must permit you to pull in dozens of girls a month.

Now, if she's being intentionally avoiding the reasons as to why she broke up with him, it could be because: * The reason makes her look bad (which includes, but is not limited to, cheating). It could also be that she's looking for someone with an entirely different personality, she suddenly realized she wasn't in love, etc. * She's trying to protect him from the reason i.e. "You're actually kind of boring"

That assumes even she can articulate the reasoning within her head. Perhaps there's nothing more to be said than that she isn't happy. That alone seems like a reason to end a relationship, and if it's been 6 years they've probably talked about this before. And if they haven't, well, maybe they should have talked more often.

[–]jfpbookworm 2 points3 points ago

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There's also the fact that she may be concerned that giving a specific reason will lead to either arguing or promising to change, which she may not want.

[–]transitionality -2 points-1 points ago

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My god, your insight into the feminine mind must permit you to pull in dozens of girls a month.

Why do women degrade every exchange with a man into a personal attack on the man's romantic or sexual prowess?

Seriously, is this the best gambit you have? Is it the only gambit you have? I really want to know.

It could also be that she's looking for someone with an entirely different personality

Yeah, after 6 years, it just occured to her.

No. She cheated on him. She's a whore. And you're a whore for standing up for a whore.

[–]Echospree 1 point2 points ago

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checks

No, I'm reasonably certain I'm a guy. Anyway that "gambit" was simply me pointing out that I consider your judgement of the female mind to be extremely poor, and therefore you probably have difficulty relating properly to women and their desires.

I must admit, it is a fairly poor tactic, as an alternate explanation for your views would be that indeed, all the women you know are whores. Which would explain why you seem to think all women are whores. And also would nullify that weak logic, as it's fairly easy to pull in whores if you consider them as such.

[–]transitionality -1 points0 points ago

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The usual thinking behind this gambit is a sort of blackmail. It goes like this: I don't like your tone. Either drop this line of argumentation immediately, or no woman anywhere will ever have sex with you, ever again!

Well you know what, they do. Not only are women whores, there are a lot of stupid whores among them. So I'm good to go, thanks.

[–]Echospree 1 point2 points ago

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Well, I had no intention of having sex with you regardless, so I think we're safe there.

Are there women whores? Fuck yeah there are (and thank FSM for that!), but your characterization of all women as being nothing but whores is amusingly misguided.

[–]transitionality 0 points1 point ago

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Before you expanded the scope of this exchange in an effort to distract from the topic, we were talking about the girl who left the OP:

So, to go back to her once again, she's a cheating whore.

You did make an effort to list a bunch of alternate explanations, each less convincing than the next, but I mean, come on dude.

[–]Echospree -1 points0 points ago

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Sure, each individual explanation isn't the most well-backed, but the point wasn't that one of them was the reason (it was hardly a comprehensive list) but more that simply concluding she's a cheating whore is a little quick on the draw.

To be fair, if it later came out that she WAS cheating on the OP, I would not be especially surprised. I'm simply arguing that there are plenty of other plausible explanations for the exact same behaviour.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]LincolnHat 8 points9 points ago*

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Why do women cheat? For the same reasons that men do, I'd guess. Go figure.

[–]Applesauces -4 points-3 points ago

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we're talking about boobs right?

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points ago*

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Sad but probably true.

Masob, it sounds paradoxical, but if you want her back you need to move on. I could go into more detail about it, but I don't think I need to. You understand what you need to do. The only question is whether you can do it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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maybe she got tired of waiting. nothing against you. i've been with my boyfriend for 9 years. i'm kinda getting tired of waiting too. i love him but sometimes love isn't enough to stay together. a girl can't wait forever for a guy who intends to propose. i guess she hit her limit. you'll find someone better.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]jfpbookworm 0 points1 point ago

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This. You're not in a Jane Austen novel.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]jfpbookworm 2 points3 points ago

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Of course women can propose; why wouldn't they be able to? And you can use whatever you want for an engagement ring, or nothing at all.

I'm not sure what "acceptable" means here. I suppose it depends on your crowd. Personally, if your friends give you shit for being the one to propose, find better friends. (Yeah, I know, but at least stand up to 'em.)

[–][deleted] ago

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[–][deleted] ago

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[–]transitionality -4 points-3 points ago

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Why is his judgment of this timing more sound?

It's a given that she'll say yes.

[–]whalewhale 0 points1 point ago

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Maybe he loves you, & does wanna be with you, but just hasn't decided to propose yet! Does he have a good job to where he can afford the ring? My neighbor waited on her boyfriend to propose for 10years, & now they've been happily married for 2years. If you love him, be patient! I'm a girl, so I know how it is, but if you really love him, is it that important for him to propose or you're moving on?!

[–]JamEaterBlues 0 points1 point ago

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After that long, its understandable that she may have realized that she was no longer sexually attracted to you. If you guys had no other problems, that was probably what happened. Im really sorry that happened to you, but sexual attraction is a huge factor in a relationship. I wish you the best.

[–]hillahilla -1 points0 points ago

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Not a native English speaker, but isn't it a bit rude to call women 'females'? It's as if gender made such a big difference that they're totally incomprehensible. After six years together with such an exotic being, it's maybe a bit much.