Does this bother anyone else?

MatthiasFarland · 6 months

Just return the compliment "Wow, you don't really act straight either!" or "You know, I couldn't even tell that you were straight".

Or ask them how gay people act. Make them uncomfortable so they don't pull that heterocentrist bullshit with anyone else.

straight_ally · 6 months

Define "acting gay." I know a lesbian girl who has a My Little Pony obsession. I know a bisexual guy who does not in any way fit the stereotype of being gay, at all. Always thought it was stupid to make generalizations like that.

JaggerA · 6 months

It's not so much the fact that they think you act straight or something, they're just glad you aren't flamingly flamboyant, which tends to make people uncomfortable (even some people who are also gay)

pg133 · 6 months

I won't take it personally. Brush it off as a joke and say, "I know, straight people have have such poor gaydar" or "it takes one to know one" or "oh! but my friends always say I have such a nice butt" and smile a big smile.

I know what you mean, it implies that gay people should act a particular way, but why worry, it's their loss is they are not informed but at least they now known one gay person who doesn't fit "their stereotype".

Mr_Smartypants · 6 months

This is a teaching moment: "Yes, it's funny how stereotypes work, isn't it?"

scbalazs · 6 months

I usually say, "that's because I'm not f!@#$%^ a guy &* *() -=1 right now, you should have seen me a few hours ago"

SerpensStellarum · 6 months

it is even weirder when gays do this. when dating, i enter bloodhell rage mode whenever i hear such nonsence.

ironically, one of my exes is a crossdresser and i find him to have bigger balls than everyone "manly straight acting" idiots. simply for the fact that he lives how he wants despite the raging hate against him. i feel blessesd that he helped me understand what's important in my life.

jbobcat · 6 months

PREACH. I respond with "don't ever say that to me again. I act completely gay and never forget that."

sendenten · 6 months

This thread shows up about once a week, and my answer is always the same: they're not trying to be offensive, they're not saying being gay is bad, they're simply stating that you don't conform to the usual stereotypes of homosexuality.

Stop trying to be offended and move on with your life.

ocinle · 6 months

I get this very often, nearly every time I come out. I don't take it as offensive or a compliment; most of the time, it's just an observation.

Sometimes straight folk know not what they say, and no one is quite sure how they're suppose to react when they are come out to. If it's clear that they meant what they said in a way that derides feminine guys, then gently explain that you don't intend to "act not gay" and that no one should be judged for how they fall in gender space. If they meant it as a simple observation, then just move on.

girlswhatsmyweakness · 6 months

I get this, too. I'm actually flattered by those types of comments when I get them. Or when people say "I couldn't tell," I usually say, "thanks," as though it is a compliment. I think it's because in elementary school I got destroyed by everyone saying that I acted like a girl, so then I immediately locked that down.

So those comments I guess are fulfilling because they affirm the image and personality of what I've been trying to be.

cbogart · 6 months

Here's what I say to that: "This is acting gay. If I don't seem gay to you, you might have some mistaken idea of what 'gay' means".

austinjb555 · 6 months

Half the people I've told don't believe that I'm gay because "I don't act gay." They think I'm just confused... If only there was a hot gay guy around, I would sooo prove them wrong!

Zaliika · 6 months

Yeah, my girlfriend and I get that a lot. "Wow, I would NEVER have picked you!". I get what you mean, it's offensive because it's as though they're saying that all 'gays' are weird/strange, but we must just happen to be an exception.

theoverthinker · 6 months

Yes, it happens to me, albeit thankfully not that frequently. And yes, it bothers me.

I'm also really disappointed with all the people here who don't seem to think it's a problem. I understand that the people saying it quite often don't mean it in a malicious way. They're still assuming that a person will act a certain way because of their sexual orientation, and that's wrong. It's wrong no matter what the sexual orientation of the person saying it is. The aggregate effect of this kind of thinking from people of all sexual orientations is bad for people of all sexual orientations. Everyone should have the right to be free of expectations that they will act a certain way because of the gender(s) of the people they're attracted to.

I'm not saying that anyone who says this is a horrible human being who has committed an unforgivable crime. I understand that they might not have malicious intent. Malicious intent isn't required to cause damage.

Is there anyone here who thinks it would be OK to tell another person, for example, "You don't act black," or for a person who was told that to challenge the statement? Even if it was just meant as a "neutral" statement that said person doesn't act according to commonly held stereotypes about black people? Even if they're "innocuous" stereotypes about, say, liking certain music and food, and not really harmful stereotypes about being lazy, unintelligent, criminal, etc.?

Fuck stereotypes. All of them. Even the "harmless" ones.

thorvondoom · 6 months

Being gay means you have to be a certain way. Just like being straight does.

bananatattoo · 6 months

I totally agree. I don't care if I seem gay to someone else, their preconcieved notion of me does not change who I am. Gah I hate it:

GhostFish · 6 months

The more colorful gay people are simply more visible, and so their behavioral patterns are what people and the media tend to associate with homosexuality.

But lots of people find that same colorful behavior to be grating and even trashy. Even other gays.

AkuTaco · 6 months

I never really hear it that way. Usually people aren't trying to think of it that way, they're just surprised because I don't fit their usual conception of a gay person. To me, that's not a bad thing. It's just recognition of a certain level of normalization. Because I think of myself as a really average person. I didn't have a lot of obstacles when coming out. Everyone was really supportive. It was just a little different from what they thought because I didn't do anything overt to indicate that I was attracted to women. I didn't show them any cues, so the first time I did, it was a surprise. That's not surprising when most of the people you meet are, in fact, straight. The only time I get a sense of disappointment is when I'm telling certain guys (not all guys), but that's just because I'm attractive and the mild androgyny is, I guess, a turn on.

And quite frankly, the more often that sort of reaction happens now, the less often it is likely to happen in the future.

rcavin2289 · 6 months

Would you rather them tell you that they could peg you being gay from a mile away?

Don't take it personal.

Jamesfox849 · 6 months

Heh, people tell me that whenever they find out that I'm gay. They're not insulting me, just stating a fact. I don't know what the people you've told are like, but you may just be taking what they say the wrong way.

lakewoodjoe112 · 6 months

Just tell your friends who tell you that they're bigots. If they're gay, all the better.

SpanishPenisPenis · 6 months

Of course that happens to other people you ass hat. And of course it's like, you know, distasteful and all, but like, actually, there's a pretty discrete set of mannerisms, cadences, etc that a) comprise the popular conception of gay behavior, esp. in the media and b) actually have a very noticeable disproportionately high correlation to the homosexual population.

Like, similarly, it would be distasteful to tell someone they "don't really act black," but like, without further explanation, you'd instinctively have a pretty good idea of what they mean and why they associate those behaviors with "blackness" in general.

Lopretni · 6 months

I take it as a compliment because it generally means I'm not an obnoxious stereotypical fruit.

I don't mean a guy that acts femmy, I mean someone who walked out of any recent vulgar R rated "comedy" movie in the past 10 years. These guys exist, even in Texas, and they're fucking annoying. I consider them the equivalent of a black man walking around in overalls, barefoot, munching on watermelon and speaking in 19th century ebonics.

yaniwonton · 6 months

I hate it, it's such a cock block to be masculine and gay

Eryemil · 6 months

I imagine that many gay guys would see it as a compliment because we know exactly what they mean when they say "act gay" and it is not something we want to be.

How many of us wish that we could be more masculine? Personally, I have a somewhat high voice with very little of that sexy, rough resonance that's just so appealing. I've spent some time training my voice to sound better and I'm damn proud when people notice or comment positively on it.

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