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Tried to date my RA, complexities ensue (self.dating_advice)

submitted ago* by IceCelt

Ok, I'll try to be short and to the point. I have a crush on my RA here at school. This all started the saturday before classes started. We ended up getting coffee together and we had a fun time. She initiated the coffee trip. Then, while my roommate was out one night, she came over to my room and we watched two movies alone in the dark until 130am, and we seemed to have great chemistry, because I was making her laugh, she seemed happy. I tried to facebook her to see if she would see a movie with me last friday, but she saw it too late, and said she couldn't do it. We then ran into each other at a coffee shop and chatted. Once again, we had great chemistry, she was laughing longer and louder than anyone in the place. She also said "I love hanging out with you." Further, she agreed to go to a movie with me tonight. So, I get a haircut and look all nice, and she shows up. She asks if its okay if two of her friends come along. I said sure. Friends come, and I try to put my arm around her during the movie. She rejects my advance, and apparently, one of her "friends" is her boyfriend. I texted her to give her the relationship-nothing ultimatum 3 hours ago, but she still hasn't texted back. Also, throughout all of our meet-ups, she has failed to mention that she has a boyfriend.

tl;dr Go on series of "dates" with girl, no mention of boyfriend. Date tonight, make a move, one of her "friends" is actually bf, she hasn't talked to me since (about 3 hours)

What do you make of this? Does it seem like she likes me? Is she mad right now, or thinking things over? I'm really nervous. Any other questions you have will be answered. Thanks for any help, Reddit.

UPDATE: I never gave her the ultimatum, but she agrees that we need to talk. She admitted to me last night that she is having problems with her boyfriend and loves hanging out with me, saying that we do have great chemistry. Seems like she really does like me, guys. Any tips on how to make sure we end up together?

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[–]notjawn 7 points8 points ago

Dude text her and tell her you're a retard and you're sorry for all of this and then DON'T BOTHER HER ANYMORE. You have obviously missed the hints and more importantly made a move on her in front of her boyfriend. She probably thinks you are the biggest ass in the world right now.

I mean still be nice to her in the future but good god you really screwed this one up and look like a tool right now.

[–]TheKid89 0 points1 point ago

You need to chill F out. He didn't "really screw this one up" Get off your high horse. OP, not much you can do looks like she played you. Move on and ignore her.

[–]notjawn 0 points1 point ago

No, I mean he really did. She was just trying to have a good RA relationship with someone under her supervision, kid missed some MAJOR hints, made a move on her in front of her boyfriend, and then sent a really aggressive whining text about her HAVING to make a decision. Uhh she made the decision, she has a boyfriend.

I mean yeah we all make rookie mistakes here but he really does need to apologize. Sure he's gonna have egg on his face, but if he doesn't apologize he'll be an outcast.

[–]IceCelt[S] 0 points1 point ago

Just updated the situation.

[–]BobLobLawsLawFirm 2 points3 points ago

To be honest I wouldn't want to be around a girl that leads me on like that without telling me she has a bf. Forget her and move on.

[–]halogrand 1 point2 points ago

Hmm thats a tough one. Her lack of telling you she has a bf seems strange. Especially when she invites you to the movies and just says two friends are coming. Not mentioning either are her bf.

The relationship-nothing ultimatum I think was a little much. I personally would not have went that way with it. You guys seem to have good chemistry, I don't see why you can't hang out. Plus the fact that she didn't mention the relationship seems like maybe its nearing the end anyway. Hang around a little longer. Worse case, you have a friend and that may take some time to get used to. Best case, you hang in there a little while longer and get her in the end.

[–]IceCelt[S] -1 points0 points ago

See, I would love to be her friend and date her eventually, but what if it doesn't pan out? I have hyper emotional sensitivity, and it would just wreck me knowing that I could not have her, and it would also bother me hanging out as "just friends." I've tried something similar before. I have to put on the facade of having a good time, but in the end, I'm crying the in the shower like a rape victim because her heart isn't mine.

[–]MyNewNewAccount 1 point2 points ago

Sounds like you need to work on your issues.

[–]IceCelt[S] 0 points1 point ago

I've been to therapy, it doesn't help. I've been to three therapists and they all gave up on me. I don't have a problem. I just want to be loved. I wasn't meant to be alone.

[–]SonOfSamJackson 0 points1 point ago

I know that feel. Honestly, I would just text her, say, "my bad" but obviously with more words and such. Apologise for making advances and not knowing. Maybe her boyfriend is a scumbag and she dumps him, you get her on the rebound.

It sounds like her lack of telling you she is in a relationship is a sign that she is into you, and didn't want to let you down, judging from your engagements. I think she would by now have an understanding of how you feel and she is probably going through some emotional sorting out, as girls do. Redact the ultimatum if at all possible, she probably will just get more upset.

[–]snarktheshark 0 points1 point ago

This may sound trite but it's true nonetheless: you need to start by loving yourself.

[–]diqtits 0 points1 point ago*

I don't have a problem. I just want to be loved. I wasn't meant to be alone.

You most definitely have a problem. Everyone wants to be loved, and nobody enjoys being alone. The vast majority of people can handle rejection without it destroying them. Been there, got destroyed by that. Spent a long time trying to convince myself it wasn't me. It was. The sooner you can admit that to yourself the better.

And the last thing you should so is take the advice of this Sam Jackson character saying to apologize and then set to work hanging around innocuously hoping she'll change her mind. There are healthy ways to handle this; setting about figuring out how asking you to the movies with her and her bf can be interpreted as a sign of interest is not among them.

If you can handle being her friend, be her friend. If you can't then leave her alone. Don't hang around pretending to be her friend while having ulterior motives. You wouldn't like that if someone did that to you.

[–]Redditforever12 0 points1 point ago

than you move on, or you can be hitting on girls who have a BF. Either deal with it or grow a pair.

[–]Rb640 0 points1 point ago

I wish women were this descriptive about their emotions. Well stated sir

[–]MyNewNewAccount 0 points1 point ago

Been there. I'd continue to be friends but eliminate the just-you-and-her time, at least while she has a boyfriend. Just say you're busy if she wants to see you alone and occasionally invite her along to a group event. She's had her preview of what it's like to be with you, and if she wants more then she knows what needs to be done.

I don't think sending an "ultimatum" was the right move. My guess is it's game over for now at least. Keep us updated.

[–]Transfiguration 0 points1 point ago

I was an RA and I can tell you that in my training, we were taught to be cautious about our relationships with our residents, especially dating. Not saying we couldn't have them, but were warned that it could cause problems down the road such as confidentiality and respecting boundaries. She may be into you, but I'm just letting you know this could be a factor.

[–]notjawn 0 points1 point ago

Well shiver me timbers, you've like broken the universe on this one :) I mean yes be supportive and tell her that of course you like her, but if she's not happy with her boyfriend its her responsibility to end things with him.

I got the bad impression on this one but I mean really its only fair to let her find her own happiness here. If she chooses you great! But you can't give her a free pass and do her homework for her on the break up. Just be patient and most importantly honest about this all. Best of luck!

[–]Rb640 -2 points-1 points ago

What happened in the dates. Was there any physical contact. How long did they last.

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