I posted on the darkest secret thread last week and I was encourage to do this. It's been cathartic just writing this. And gives me perspective. Forgive the typos that follow.

I met my wife (I'll refer to her as ST) in college (band). She's white and I am brown. We were definately an odd couple, two people you might not place together. But we complemented each other very well, and shared a lot of goals and values. She wanted to a teacher and a mom, and I loved kids. Dated for a year, broke up, quicky got back together. We lived together with a close circle of other band members. We continued seeing each other for another three years. We graduated and moved out of the college area of town and started renting a house with another couple from the college house, who I'll call MP & AW.

Well shortly after moving in, both couples broke up. I discovered the next day that ST had been sleeping with AW. After all the fallout, AW went back to MP. I left my circle of friends so I would have to see MP & AW. Anyways, already a crappy year with my grandfather and my dog dying and now this. I didn't think it could get any worse...and then a few months later I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. ST showed up to all my chemo sessions, even with my parents there (who didn't approve of a white girl). Several months into chemo, we got back together. I credited cancer with reuniting us.

We dated for another three years. We had struggles with my family accepting her, and frankly my reluctance to growup. But we managed those with the help of a counselor (who we saw up to a few months ago; I continue to see invidually him now). We bought a house in 2005 and I finally proposed to her in 2006, we married in 2007. We didn't wait too long to have a kid...our son was born in fall 2008. I was very happy to be a dad, still am. I went back to work while my wife stayed home for a year to raise our son. The next school year, she went back to teaching part-time. On Halloween, we found out she was pregnant again.

Meanwhile, we slowly started seeing our old college friends again. It was awkward at first and it never went away. But I firmly believed it was worth it, to be with our friends again.

But she always pushed boundaries hanging out with AW, like always walking with him when in the group or get this, she took a cooking class with him. I put my trust in her. And our counselor told me I had nothing to worry about. She insisted that they were just friends.

MP & AW, who married a few years before us, tried having their own kid, but he's shooting blanks. They would actually watch our kid while we went to the counselor.

In December, we had a fight, and she ended it with the suggestion of not being together anymore. In counseling, she said maybe she might be happier with someone else. We just put our stuff on hold to get thru the holidays. I tried to be the best husband I could; doing as much of the chore load as I could manage.

In January, I found pictures on her computer when she let me use her login. Of them saying I miss you, I love you, best lover, etc. Dates go far back in to last year.

I found notes they had written to each other.

I could see her messaging with him on Facebook: I've walked behind her while using her iPhone; she doesn't realize when using her computer I can see the reflection in the window.

I know he has been to my house.

I was heartbroken. Fuck. I don't know how I've been able to keep it together this long.

I have one friend (and their spouse) that know. They have been invaluable in keeping my sanity. I don't what I'd do without them, they are so awesome.

She is clearly in a bad place. She has clear signs of depression, identical to the previous time she was depressed and took Zoloft for a year. I believe she had post-partum depression, then was really lonely as a stay-at-home mom. She's working part time right now, but will be a SAHM when #2 arrives. She was vunerable, and my guess is approached her first. Of course they are responsible for their actions, but I think depression could obscured some of the choices they had. Futhermore, she is lying to herself -- she has said that "She hasn't done anything wrong", but clearly she is. On valentine's day, she gave me a card which read: "You have a very special place in my heart. I love you." Again, she is confused.

Why did I wait this long? Well I needed to have my process and thinking first, figure out what I needed/wanted. Then I wanted to wait as she started to see a new counselor so she had established some sort of support. My guess is that she hasn't told her about the affair.

I've spoken to a lawyer over the phone about re: not getting myself in trouble for a future divorce. He told me the bar for domestic violence is very low, so be very careful.

I am approaching this with sense of selflessness. I am going to try to show her compassion. She is hurting and needs help. As her husband, I need to give her one chance to come back. It's up to her if she wants to return or continue to be lost. She will always been the mother of my child(ren) and no matter what, we have to be good co-parents. That has to be.

I realize that she might not respond well. That she could try to burn me, bury me. That's the risk I choose.

I've tried my best to communicate the situation, but understand it's impossible to paint an accurate picture.

Any tips would be appreicated.

Thanks reddit, for letting me air this out.

Update: In conversation tonight she told me how isn't sleeping due to bad dreams she's been having. She called her baby doc and asked for a prescription for Zoloft, which they granted contingent on visiting her PCP.

Update2: Re: Paternity tests: Yes of course that is prudent. I'm fairly confident the 15mo is my son; I'm brown, my wife and that guy are white. My son is certainly brown. But it couldn't hurt I guess.

Update3: I appreciate the tough love I'm getting from you guys. I expected nothing less. It's a good perspective check.

Update4: I awoke this morning to more replies than I imagined. I will honestly read every single response, and consider it's words. I have limited internet today, I'll try to respond by phone but I'm in training today so that will be difficult.

Understand that I know that staying in it just for the kids is not a realistic option. It will just lead to further unhappines. I know that we would both not just suck it up for the kids. My counselor also is telling me this as well.

Lastly, to give a little more insight on my approach, it's based upon the principles of Nonviolent Communication. There's book out there by Rosenberg.

Two months update: Although the account is named throwaway4196, I haven't forgotten it. I plan on someday posting a followup, but I'm waiting till any/all the fallout as settled, maybe year-end?. FTR, I did tell her that night. We're still working it out, but haven't really done much and don't plan to until after the birth. Why? In interests of keeping the stress levels low as possible while the baby is within her. I don't know how effective that's really been, but it's the best I can do.

As for a prediction where this is headed; I would say odds are against us staying together.