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[–]offconstantly 987 points988 points ago

I use the "three-day rule." If you don't think you'll care about something in three days, don't waste time caring about it now.

[–]5PK 393 points394 points ago

Interesting. A fellow coworker once told me "If it won't bother you in a week, don't let it bother you today." I've literally lived by this for over 3 years now.

[–]firstpageguy 155 points156 points ago

and now i'm homeless

[–]blue_strat 480 points481 points ago*

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take a while. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

― Ira Glass

TL;DR - No one who is great at something was always great at it.

[–]Orelio 1633 points1634 points ago*

I learnt this myself the hard way through many years of fucking up:

Don't make any decision while you're angry.

Edit: Jesus Christ I'M SORRY, I'm native french. I meant "make any decision", not "take any decision". (Also waking up to so many red envelopes scared the shit out of me, god damnit Reddit.

[–]scrunci 1018 points1019 points ago

Alternatively:

Don't go shopping while you're hungry. That shit's ridiculous.

[–]Unidan 395 points396 points ago

That works out sometimes. I'll go shopping while hungry, then, days later when I'm really jonesin' for something, I'll open my cabinet to find some delicious food item that I would normally never buy.

Good ol' past-self, always lookin' out for future-self. Except when he eats that stuff when he's present-self. That guy's a dick.

[–]I_Fapped_Anyway 329 points330 points ago

"Delay decisions born of anger and hasten those born of compassion."

[–]ummwut 1261 points1262 points ago

closely related: masturbate before you make any serious decisions

[–]heylookoverthere 1227 points1228 points ago

This advice has led to some really weird business meetings.

[–]lurking_bishop 107 points108 points ago

Somehow I believe we wouldn't be in this recession if there was a big jacking-off session just before the important G8 and G21 meetings. Or maybe I'm just into weird porn, I don't know

[–]phrotozoa 1325 points1326 points ago

"Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased". Spider Robinson.

[–]rhubarbbus 1432 points1433 points ago

"Never take advice from arachnids." Raid Pesticides

[–]johnsmcjohn 777 points778 points ago

"Eat shit and die." Spider Jerusalem

[–]IceblinkLuck 1434 points1435 points ago

Keys, phone, wallet.

[–]nutterbutterbar 766 points767 points ago

Slap check

[–]gormlesser 419 points420 points ago

Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

[–]Jewboy27 1294 points1295 points ago

You can't control how people act, only how you react.

[–]BossaNovaMoonDance 1610 points1611 points ago

Always tell the truth, it's much easier to remember.

[–]Vondon 965 points966 points ago

No, they don't make your ass look fat. You are fat and they do nothing to minimize that fact.

[–]gmpalmer 1353 points1354 points ago

Relevant: never give more information than was asked for.

[–]HotRodLincoln 726 points727 points ago

The West Wing S2:

Babish: Do you know what time it is?

C.J.: It's five past noon.

Babish: I'd like you to get out of the habit of doing that.

C.J.: Doing What?

Babish: Answering more than was asked. Do you know what time it is?

C.J.: Yes.

[–]ialsohaveadobro 87 points88 points ago

This is the same conversation every lawyer has with a deposition witness client.

[–]Notmyrealname 55 points56 points ago

Well, it depends on what your definition of "is" is.

[–]HighSorcerer 305 points306 points ago

Especially when talking to women and/or police.

[–]Nexusmaxis 455 points456 points ago*

The doctor at MEPS (military screening before you go to basic training) told me this.

"You wont get a lot of chances to really take control of your own life. When you do, don't let them pass you up, take them or you will wind up regretting it."

EDIT: Yes, I realize how ironic it is for someone helping me join the military to tell me to take control of my life. You have to read it in the context of the military. If this was what I wanted to do now, then I should take control of my life whenever I could, or else I would regret getting tossed around by other people. That was his point.

[–]HaterSalad 62 points63 points ago

Mine told me, "Turn your head and cough."

[–]botticellilady 1270 points1271 points ago

Be best friends with your spouse, not just lovers.

[–]philon 1106 points1107 points ago

Have more friends than just spouse

[–]thom5r 662 points663 points ago

But also: Be lovers with your spouse, not just best friends.

[–]forman98 866 points867 points ago

Quit dwelling on what people think about you - spend way too much time still doing this.

[–]gamaliel64 779 points780 points ago

You'll spend a lot less time wondering what people think of you once you realize that they don't.

[–]daderade 175 points176 points ago

everyone's generally too busy worrying about what everyone is thinking of them. Unless they are people-watching.

[–]Flailwielder 544 points545 points ago

Never make any life-changing decisions when you are drunk or horny.

[–]SarahPalinisaMuslim 786 points787 points ago

So never make any life-changing decisions, then.

[–]goontownpopyou 642 points643 points ago

My professor told us he lives by a piece of advice from his father.

Get out of bed, tie your shoes, and get out the door.

It's simple but it has made me second guess sleeping through an early class.

[–]The_Insurance 256 points257 points ago

Get out of bed, tie your shoes, and get out the door

Everybody walk the dinosaur?

[–]polychaos 358 points359 points ago

My dad told me: you live in a world full of fuckups. Chin up, everyone makes mistakes.

[–]helix19 1414 points1415 points ago

Make sure there's toilet paper BEFORE you sit down.

[–]nmbrox 401 points402 points ago

Nothin' like a slow, butt-clenched walk to a fresh roll in another bathroom.

[–]Accurg 382 points383 points ago*

Advice given to me by a composer: "If it sounds wrong to you, it's going to sound wrong to everyone else too."

Basically, be your own harshest critic, don't settle for doing something half-assed when you know you can do it better.

[–]DAsSNipez 282 points283 points ago

Hm... advice from an Accordion teacher, "If you fuck up just keep going, they think you know what you're doing."

[–]Galphanore 39 points40 points ago

Those two are not contradictory pieces of advice though. When you're creating the work, be your own worst critic. Once you're performing it you play as if it were perfection every step of the way.

[–]willworkforicecream 957 points958 points ago

Don't panic.

[–]SavageReindeer 74 points75 points ago

This is actually something I live by. Whenever something goes wrong or I'm questioning my future or relationships or ANYTHING, I can simply tell myself "Don't Panic."

And then get a chuckle out of thinking about the Hitchhiker's Guide.

[–]alreadyobsolete 1410 points1411 points ago

Buy a plunger before you need a plunger

Alternatively

School without experience isn't learning.

[–]sinkking 268 points269 points ago

"Study without reflection is a waste of time; reflection without study is dangerous"

[–]ABCme 688 points689 points ago

School without experience isn't learning.

Oh, so college.

[–]fmlfml1 1080 points1081 points ago

No! College puts you in a job-cannon that fires straight into job-land, don't you know?!

[–]ABCme 698 points699 points ago

Fuck, I must've forgotten my job helmet! No wonder...

[–]weapongod30 526 points527 points ago

It's okay, there're still plenty of jobs hanging on jobbies to grab.

[–]riversfan17 174 points175 points ago

Don't forget to wiggle into your job-suit!

[–]IdesOfMarch 643 points644 points ago

If you want to lose a "friend," lend them money.

[–]procrastimaster 520 points521 points ago

when it comes to friends and money: "always expect a loan to become a gift". it really does save friendships.

[–]gmpalmer 129 points130 points ago

Friends and anything. As my father said: never loan anything you expect to get back.

[–]StormTAG 25 points26 points ago

I go one farther, "Give gifts to friends, never make loans."

[–]cjmalloy 67 points68 points ago

My grandfather did this to an old dude that kept smoking all his cigarettes on him. He lent him 20 bucks (that was a lot). My grandmother told him, you know you'll never see that money again. To which he replied, I'll never see him again either.

[–]ravenouscraving 40 points41 points ago

Sometimes lending people money is a small price to pay to never see them again.

[–]deptii 483 points484 points ago

I recently discovered this one and have been trying to live up to it:

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.” ― Leo Buscaglia

[–]Saw_What_U_Did_There 452 points453 points ago

"A ship is safe upon the shore, but that was not what the ship was made for"- Written by unknown on the bathroom wall of the bar I work in.

[–][deleted] 255 points256 points ago

Except Costa Concordia.

[–]refenestration 2045 points2046 points ago

When I was an angsty teenager, I sat up one night and talked with my grandpa for a few hours. He told me "I don't care what your problems are, I know you have problems we all do. But the thing is, nothing I can do will fix your problems. Nothing anyone can do can fix your problems. You have to sit down, and figure out what your problem is. And then you have to figure out what you need to do to fix your problem. And then you do that." It was so simple. But it's helped me a lot, oddly enough.

[–]PenguinPowaaa 880 points881 points ago

I read that in an epic grandpa voice.

[–]jdk 536 points537 points ago

I read that in Clint Eastwood's voice in Gran Torino.

[–]fench 161 points162 points ago

WHAT ARE ALL YOU FISH-HEADS LOOKING AT?

[–]umop_apisdn 65 points66 points ago

Also make sure you know the difference between a problem and a predicament.

Problems have solutions; predicaments have outcomes. Treating a predicament as a problem or vice versa leads to wasted effort and bad outcomes.

[–]japaneseknotweed 851 points852 points ago

Keep a cardboard box in your car.

When you need to change a tire, kneel on it.

Until then, chuck everything in it so your car doesn't fill with crap. When it's full sort it out.

Also, know how to change a tire.

[–]MisanthropicAsshole 277 points278 points ago

You could kneel on a floor mat from the car.

[–]proutler 1162 points1163 points ago

You can never have enough socks.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Napalm4Kidz 520 points521 points ago

This makes... so much sense.

[–]The_Jacobian 177 points178 points ago

Where the fuck do they keep running off to?

[–]mydogdoesntcuddle 469 points470 points ago

my dogs just steal mine and cuddle with them.

[–]alekzander5 543 points544 points ago

Somehow I think you're lying...

[–]IamAhamsterAMA 1307 points1308 points ago

"When in doubt, throw it out." - because food poisoning sucks.

[–]airlancelot 799 points800 points ago

and throwing stuff is fun.

[–]shzadh 347 points348 points ago

When in doubt, put it in your mouth.

[–]Element7AB 210 points211 points ago

[–]msarts 543 points544 points ago

If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it

[–]0pAwesome 270 points271 points ago

But I cleared my browser history! No one will ever find out!

[–]RoboLovah 2024 points2025 points ago

Keep cool, never freeze.

I read that on a condiment bottle.

[–]MrRC 838 points839 points ago

shake well before use

[–]superkidney 385 points386 points ago

"Should I fap today?" Shakes magic 8 ball

[–]speedy6635 222 points223 points ago

Answer hazy, try again

[–]lordkabab 180 points181 points ago

Concentrate.

[–]vaalmic 191 points192 points ago

So deep...

[–]Haribon 1025 points1026 points ago

No matter how hard you try, all the glitter won't come off.

[–]Asdayasman 363 points364 points ago

I fucking swear glitter has a half-life of a year. Last time I came into contact with glitter was March 2002, and I still occasionally find bits of it in my bellybutton.

[–]AnthillNapalm 359 points360 points ago

I am a glittertologist, and the half-life of glitter is exactly 6.2 months.

When our descendants find your body in posterity, they will know that some time between January and June 2002, you either partied hard or a stripper rubbed off on you.

[–]Vicker3000 43 points44 points ago

I found a tube of glitter among the piles of random junk laying about in our lab. I poured it out on the floor in the hallway in our physics building. That was about a year ago and there's still glitter in every place imaginable in the building now.

[–]Asdayasman 60 points61 points ago

I... Just felt creative, and tried to make my naked self look attractive. ._.

[–]AnthillNapalm 114 points115 points ago

It's okay, son. Science does not judge.

[–]positmylife 442 points443 points ago

They don't call it the herpes of craft supplies for nothing!

[–]Gobnata 1042 points1043 points ago

"Don't give anyone your best advice, because they probably won't take it." --Jack Nicholson

it has helped me realize no one listens to anything i suggest (including reddit)

[–]Off-White-Knight 810 points811 points ago

I was going to take this advice to heart, but I don't want to make you a liar.

[–]Barnden 234 points235 points ago

You just filled my mind with so much fuck...

[–]VeniVidiUpVoti 200 points201 points ago

Its never too late to be who you might have been.

[–]PenelopeCloudywater 392 points393 points ago

If something is bothering you, fix it.

[–]MangoTux 370 points371 points ago

My dog is bothering me right now, but she's already fixed.

[–]Forever_Trombone 1010 points1011 points ago

Save a portion of your paycheck, no excuses.

[–]ItsTuesdaySally 775 points776 points ago

Excuse: You have debt that's rapidly amounting interest. Good reason not to save.

[–]travis_of_the_cosmos 258 points259 points ago

Whatever money you want to save should go into the highest-interest asset possible, assuming they're all no-risk. So a savings account and not a checking account. Why do I bring this up? Because for most people that asset is in fact a debt, often a credit card. Do the math - if you're saving at 2% interest and have a debt that is racking up 5%, you're losing 3%. I am always blown away when people are saving and also carrying credit card debt. It's ridiculous.

(As an aside this logic also doesn't apply to retirement accounts because they carry various tax and employer matching benefits. But anytime you're saving part of your regular paycheck, make sure you consider this.)

[–]keozen 134 points135 points ago*

If you ever do find yourself in a place of debt always remember that your TOP priority should be the debt with the highest interest. Work down from there.

Edit: obviously I don't mean you should ignore others, but a good method is to minimum payment on everything but your highest interest one which you spam with every spare penny. When that's done pay off the next highest, etc. Also obviously I am in now way an expert or a replacement for a good debt adviser.

[–]KaiserBC 229 points230 points ago

My Mom always told me 'Don't let the bastards get you down.' And always pack extra underwear.

[–]bombastical 235 points236 points ago

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems in the moment. Step back, breathe deep, and keep smiling.

[–]AriesTR 1496 points1497 points ago

Righty tighty

Lefty loosy

[–]brettyrocks 565 points566 points ago

Except on propane tanks. And propane accessories.

[–]whoisthere 418 points419 points ago

Thanks Hank

[–]Sir_Scrotum 84 points85 points ago

Damn it, propane is a family gas!

[–]thelittleking 584 points585 points ago

See, the issue is that this is ambiguous if you're doing shit at a strange angle.

I always preferred "clockwise lockwise."

[–]MacroFoible 630 points631 points ago

I'm always partial to "rotation vector pointed in the direction you want the damn thing to go"

[–]ajb160 37 points38 points ago

Ah yes, the inimitable "right-hand rule".

[–]Galaxyman0917 491 points492 points ago

My dad always stressed one thing with me. "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

The day I started wearing more professional shirts, I started getting actual respect from people. And I am now being looked at for a promotion. I'm a cart pusher. A dingy, dirty, bottom of the barrel job, and I dress nice, because I don't want this job, I want a management job.

[–]joezuntz 1190 points1191 points ago

That's why I go to work dressed as an astronaut.

[–]Pants_R_Overatd 575 points576 points ago

Don't be an idiot.

Changed my life forever. When I'm about to do something, I think "Would an idiot do this thing?" If he does, then I don't do that thing.

[–]razzertto 85 points86 points ago

FYI: Most non-idiots wear pants.

[–]bigdirtyphil 1308 points1309 points ago

never get involved in a land war in asia

[–]shogun21 794 points795 points ago

Only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

[–]thewhitish 494 points495 points ago

Also never invade russia during or before winter

[–]Abyssalstudios 647 points648 points ago

So... never?

[–]leoel 148 points149 points ago

Unless you are damned-fucking Genghis Khan, in that case conquer half the world as you please.

[–]INDIE_GAMER 152 points153 points ago

Not really advice, more philosophy and quotes that I enjoy...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato

"I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses." - Johannes Kepler

"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one...just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

"Our greatest glory іѕ nоt іn nеvеr falling, but іn rising еvеrу time wе fall." – Confucius

"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky

[–]Hussard 518 points519 points ago

"You're a shark. Sharks are winners, and they don't look back because they have no necks. Necks are for sheep. "

[–]ServeMeCold 45 points46 points ago

My only regret is that I have boneitis

[–]CaseFace20 144 points145 points ago

Also if you stop moving you will die.

[–]DionyKH 141 points142 points ago

By way of my mother:

"Moderation. Everything in moderation!"

Oh, and, "Closed mouths don't get fed"

[–]shanrath 1744 points1745 points ago

Another redditor once said, "Always go for the decision that makes a better story."

[–]inthisdesert 1173 points1174 points ago

But if that better story is how you wound up serving 5 years in prison for abuse of a corpse, it's probably not worth it.

[–]ramonycajones 963 points964 points ago

Don't knock it til you try it.

[–]meatbowling 217 points218 points ago

I live by that philosophy. It almost got me killed several times. At least they will get at good story for my funeral.

[–]Hailogon 421 points422 points ago

"We don't know what was going through meatbowling's mind when he backhanded that wasps nest, nor are we entirely sure what he meant by the words 'Upvote me' as he died twitching in our arms, but what we do know is that those flying bastards damn sure aren't deterred by canned whipped cream.

May God have mercy upon his soul."

[–]inigoesdr 82 points83 points ago

"Hold my beer and watch this" - meatbowling

[–]nemski 32 points33 points ago

"The hardest choice is usually the right one" Many sources, but I first read it in a Buddhist book.

[–]Calmiche 1118 points1119 points ago

This too shall pass.

[–]Benmonkey7 901 points902 points ago

Gandalf disagrees.

[–]DOBBYISDEAD 427 points428 points ago

Fly you fools.

[–]positmylife 542 points543 points ago

Your username made me cry a little.

[–]rugtoad 46 points47 points ago

I don't really see this as advice, it's more of a commentary on the fleeting nature of life. I mean, sure, it's something useful to say to someone who is going through some tough shit, but it's also something you don't want to say to someone who is at a high point in their life..

The phrase of course comes from a Hebrew Parable (at least, that's one legend) in which a king gives one of his more "cheeky" wards an impossible task to sort of cut his ego down a bit. He send him on a quest to find a magic ring; if a happy man looks upon it, it makes him sad and if a sad man looks upon it, it makes him happy....

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.”

“If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah, “I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?”

“It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.”

Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring.

On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet.

“Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah.

He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it.

When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.

That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. “Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?”

All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!”

As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face.

The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.”

At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

[–]jon81 87 points88 points ago

Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

[–]5ragle 555 points556 points ago

Use sunscreen.

[–]goodreverend 81 points82 points ago

I have two, both of which I've gotten from other sources.

The first: if someone makes you an option, don't make them a priority.

I'm not so sure how much I believe that one anymore. The second piece of advice, however, I live by. From Bukowski:

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”

[–]locomucho 30 points31 points ago

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

[–]appropinquabamusne 275 points276 points ago

"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

[–]the_weak_sauce 1147 points1148 points ago

Don't forget to bring a towel!

[–]Va1entine 418 points419 points ago

can't tell if ford prefect or just reeeeeaallly high...

[–]wildpeaches 350 points351 points ago

You're a towel.

[–]Jonthrei 57 points58 points ago

Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.

[–]Primeribsteak 378 points379 points ago

Stay away from reddit. It's too late for me. I can't leave.

[–]facemelt88 392 points393 points ago

Today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again. Try not to waste it.

[–]anbeasley 182 points183 points ago

You only get one life. You get one chance. And when you do something wrong accept it for all it is and learn from it. No matter what you do you will always be a fool when you are young. So do not let that stop you from achieving your dreams. Also have a trip guide if you ever attempt to do drugs.

[–]thebiglouboo 140 points141 points ago

Don't allow yourself to be fooled by your own thoughts. Realize when your trying to convince yourself of something on observation alone, analyze a situation from as many perspectives as possible. Question everything, especially that which you are certain of.

[–]elizabu 600 points601 points ago

Don't assume anything.

[–]fulanitodetal 537 points538 points ago

This just ruined all of my statistical tools.

[–]razzertto 250 points251 points ago

And my economics!

[–]Bladelink 462 points463 points ago

And my axe!

Wait..

[–]razzertto 198 points199 points ago

You have an axe, I'm not waiting for shit.

[–]lollerkeet 53 points54 points ago

This sounds nice in theory, but assumptions are needed to make decisions. Certainty is nice but rare (arguably impossible).

[–]Wintermaul 419 points420 points ago

"Always be the dumbest person in the room." - That way you can always learn something.

[–]vogonpoetry4life 591 points592 points ago

i believe it goes, "if you're the smartest person in the room, then you're in the wrong room."

essentially the same message tho

[–]Kaose42 78 points79 points ago

Reminded me of, "You only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent." Not the best movie but a great quote.

[–]happilythree 1392 points1393 points ago

You can best judge the character of a person by the way the treat a waiter, maid, cashier, etc. Seeing how a person treats a stranger is the best way to judge a person's character, particularly seeing how a person treats another human being who is "lower" than them in a social setting.

[–]Comma20 1197 points1198 points ago

The best judge of character is not how someone treats his equals, but how he treats his lessers.

I do believe that is the phrase.

[–]happilythree 295 points296 points ago

Exactly.

I also think a big part of it is just if a person is narcissistic enough to automatically regard, say, a waiter as "lesser". Yeah, they may make a lot less than you but past that, you have no way to judge their value as a human being and if you place all of a person's value on their paycheck, you are a jerk.

[–]acupeter 204 points205 points ago

along the lines of "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Ghandi

[–]HilariousScreenname 893 points894 points ago

Never pet a burning dog.

[–]sesla[S] 257 points258 points ago

Words to live by.

[–]ColHunterGathers 202 points203 points ago

It's never too early for pizza.

[–]that1guyDrew 2085 points2086 points ago

Smart girls like it when you make them feel pretty. Pretty girls like it when you make them feel smart.

[–]oneslicknick 1035 points1036 points ago

What about a girl who's pretty smart?

[–]Adaptingfate 1564 points1565 points ago

They like Milk-Bones, going for walks and sniffing other dogs' butts.

[–]Shaysdays 282 points283 points ago

The same thing goes for men, but substitute 'strong' for 'pretty.'

[–]Forbiddian 619 points620 points ago

"Oh, I know you're lying, I'm not very strong."

"No, I bet you could do, like, 10 pushups!"

"Heh, well... flexes"

[–]dyl666 339 points340 points ago

FYI, it's not pretty when you fail to actually do those 10 push-ups.

Not pretty at all.

[–]thewhitish 21 points22 points ago

Even when it seems like the perfect time to be an asshole, do not be an asshole.

[–]zeveronian 491 points492 points ago

He who hesitates, masturbates.

[–]sancezz2136 144 points145 points ago

Dont know if really deep or just funny

[–]Kenneth_the_Drifter 349 points350 points ago

The top voted comment is usually one of the first posted. Get in at the ground floor!

[–]Auxin000 435 points436 points ago

Don't be a dumbass. -My Dad

Simple and effective words to live by.

[–]fattyforhire 460 points461 points ago

Don't be a dumbass- red foreman

[–]awittygamertag 247 points248 points ago

Don't cook bacon naked, it's not worth it. Put on some pants first.

[–]OmgMacnCheese 135 points136 points ago

Wrap it before you tap it.

[–]princecorum 86 points87 points ago

put your procrastination too the side for 1 hour a day, and spend that 1 hour finishing things.. after 3 months you will be cleared.

[–]Neodymium_Modem 37 points38 points ago

So you procrastinate your procrastination?

[–]McLogan 642 points643 points ago*

Masturbate before making important relationship decisions.

[–]sixtyt3 247 points248 points ago

Yes, Master

[–]philon 50 points51 points ago

Masturbate before masterbate

[–]Ragnrok 1407 points1408 points ago

To impress a chick, helicopter dick.

[–]Va1entine 691 points692 points ago

to impress a chick?

[–]WhatTheFDR 1817 points1818 points ago

Helicopter dick.

[–]jdmCrush 494 points495 points ago

Tautology can be quite effective because tautology can be quite effective.

[–]hagerty9009 187 points188 points ago

Corollary: Every single holiday a dick in a box.

[–]longboardingerrday 323 points324 points ago

You are not as _______ as you think you are.

[–]Fritzguyes 814 points815 points ago

Stop going to Reddit for serious advice.

[–]Heelincal 671 points672 points ago

Doesn't this mean your advice is bad advice?

TL;DR CATCH-22

[–]ProfessorSamOak 1476 points1477 points ago

TRAINER TIPS:
If you want to avoid
battles, stay away from
the grassy areas!

[–]Via_Scribblenauts 443 points444 points ago

[–]a-nutella-sandwich 384 points385 points ago

Me being the idiot I am, just tried to click the start button. ಠ_ಠ

[–]savoytruffle 18 points19 points ago

Don't ever say anything to the police.

[–]Moofies 76 points77 points ago

Something my dad taught me: Nobody has any idea what theyre really doing, and theyre all just making it up as they go.