The job I had during the week this happened would be enough for an AMA; I saw a dead body, crashed a company van, made "deliveries" and had to handle very large amounts of cash on my first day, unaccompanied. So, so strange, and after the first week I got cold-called by a pharmaceutical company that wanted to hire me as a chemist even though I had a degree in english and never even took chemistry (lots of math, though). I suspect the "company" I worked for wanted to lure me away, and it was kind of a conspiracy. I still don't know.

So yeah, I moved about an hour away from my gf's place and worked this job for a week. On one of the days, I had to drive this van with a coworker for about 4 hours out to the airport to make a delivery of some sort.

The girlfriend and I were each other's "first" so we were trying to hold on as best we could. It wasn't a religion thing, we just thought it was special. I took lots of courses in college and graduated very early, while she remained for 2 extra years, so for all that time we just kind of "hung out." This was the start of that period. She didn't date anyone else, but I sort-of did, briefly. But this was before even that.

We fought all the time. I was certain she was cheating on me (she had once before, and it made me unable to trust her for the next ... oh, 4 years of our 6 yr relationship?). We had a cell phone family plan so we could call each other all the time, but she never called me - she only txt'd. And though she had cheated on me a while before, I had only recently learned about it.

So I'm sitting in the van with this weird hippie, who was taking his turn to drive, and we're on a highway somewhere in upstate NY - kingston? - and just making conversation, I mention --- now I remember! -- that she was going to go to a music camp in vermont and I assumed that would be the end of us.

He remarked that it didn't really have to be; we were already doing long distance, we just wouldn't have the weekend respite. Did I mention we were heavily co-dependent?

And I said that I figured we were probably going to break up anyway, since I knew I'd never really trust her. I said that while things were great, it was just a major barrier and I wasn't confident, but for the time being I wanted to "wait it out" (classic early-20's phrase for "i'm too scared of hurting this person AND being forced to realize i'm in an unhealthy spot to do anything but wait!").

Then I started telling him about her cheating. I learned because she had one of those online diary things, and I found it, and she had a fake name but I knew it was her because the fake name was her nickname.

When I learned of it, I was sure I was going to flip out and kill her or myself or something - it was really bad. I was certain I could never be the kind of guy who didn't realize the girl he'd been with for over a year, the whole "mutual firsts" thing, etc, could be cheated on. When I found out, I waited about a week to see her (I learned while she went back home for a week) and then had her over. She suggested we take a bath, and sitting in the tub, both naked, I told her that I knew about it. In confronting her, like magic, I wasn't mad anymore. It helped that I could see the terror on her face. I could feel how upset she was about it.

So I'm telling all this to the guy in the truck, explaining that maybe it's a sign that in time things could work out. And I said that while I was waiting around for things to "work out" ... that whole wait-and-see thing... I was expecting it to not really happen at the same time. She'd go away and ruin this organic plan of things working out.

So he says, "Yeah ... but do you want it to work out?"

And I immediately thought, "what a fucking hippie answer that is." But I told him that of course I did, what would it meant to not want that? Why would I be pushing so hard for something I didn't want?

Yup....

...YEARS later, I realized he was asking in the subtlety of a zen master whether or not I really wanted to be with this girl. I just couldn't see that, I wasn't ready for it. It took a ton of destructive behavior before we were able to realize we'd be better off alone. That, and college ending for her (she went back home to kansas).